About spider webs

Several weeks ago (or maybe it was months, I seem to be losing track these days) I saw a photo of a huge crocheted spider web hanging from corner to corner across a front porch. It was cool! Cool enough to make me want to figure out a crochet pattern. I kind of understand the basic crochet stitches, but I don't really "get" how they all go together to make stuff. No matter what I start out attempting to crochet, I end up with a stiff, thick trapezoidal coaster. 

I don't think a huge trapezoid hanging from my front porch would give quite the same effect as a giant spider web. I set out to look for the pattern and came across this beauty. Hrmmmm....
 

So this is all fine and well (more or less) on a pair of rigid plastic boobs, but what happens when you add real life, gravity...and fat? It was pointed out to me at my last mammogram slammogram (by a "perky" 30-something tech whose breasts have probably never been flattened to 1/2" between two plastic paddles) that my breast tissue is starting to turn to fat...it happens. Great. I told her to have a kid, breast feed, turn 49 and give me a call.
 
Still no luck locating the giant spider web pattern for my front porch, but maybe if I make this brassiere a tad bigger, but that's assuming I don't end up with a couple trapezoids...