Tuesday, December 17, 2013

About when the jeans won't zip

Over the past few months I've made an effort to eat foods that are healthier. My clothes were starting to pinch in uncomfortable ways and places and I figured that eating better would be a lot cheaper than purchasing a new wardrobe...and it would be better for me in the long run...and I wouldn't have to look at my reflection in a dressing room mirror under the unflattering flicker of fluorescent lighting. So I started eliminating the bad food. I've lost a little over 15 pounds since I started. I'd like to lose more, but I'm taking my time. Heck, the weight didn't come on overnight so I'm not expecting to lose it quickly. This isn't any special diet, I'm just paying attention to what and how much is on my plate, along with a little exercise.

But I have a confession. I have kind of slipped off the "good choices" bandwagon since Thanksgiving. The lure of holiday sweets and carbs has gotten the best of me, and I've indulged in a little extra here and there. I haven't stepped on the scale since the Monday after Thanksgiving. Not a great reading, but not unexpected either. I read somewhere that the average adult gains seven pounds over the holidays. I gained one, but my jeans are still loose, I'm still on the same belt buckle, no uncomfortable pinching, things are ok.

That is, things were ok until I took a pair of jeans out of the dryer this morning. There was a time when I was air-drying my jeans because I couldn't get into them after they tumble dried. It was a huge leap to be able to unflinchingly toss them in the dryer and walk away without worrying about how I would get them buttoned and zipped. I went through my normal morning routine--shower, dry hair, brush teeth, pluck anything that needs plucking, make up, style hair, iron shirt, look for matching socks, put on jeans.

Holy mother of God! 

Actually, my exact words were "what the F---??" I noticed the legs were a bit snug on the way up, but that would be to my advantage later in the morning after the jeans stretched out a bit. As I pulled the jeans over my butt I knew I had a problem. I glanced toward the scale on the bathroom floor. Was it mocking me? "Seven pounds? Ha! I'll see your seven and raise you ten! Tell me again how you enjoyed that cheesecake." I tried to estimate the gap between button and button hole. About 2 inches. The gap has never been that bad. Jeez Louise! I pulled again, sucked in, wiggled a bit. Nope. That stinking cheesecake! That stinking piece of fudge!

I looked down at skin pooching out of gap and flowing up over the waist band. This time I saw something different. I noticed my feet. Or, to be more specific, I didn't notice my feet. They were covered in denim. Well, Chris, you idiot, you haven't pulled them all the way up yet. So I pulled again. Still a gap. Oh. Sweet. Jesus. Zack's jeans.

I peeled them off, pitched them back in the dryer. He'll never know.

I had nachos for lunch.

6' 2 15/16" x 200-207lb (pre or post meal) 

Friday, December 6, 2013

What the Fugly? A Christmas gerbil

Because everyone needs a Christmas gerbil...or three. Really? Maybe these little guys don't qualify as "fugly" but the question still remains--why?

These are advertised on Etsy as follows:
I love making knitted gerbils. I try to make as close to real colors as possible. Every gerbil is hand knitted and unique. No two are exactly alike.
Is someone smoking a candy cane? I have never seen a gerbil in these real colors, but then I've also never dropped acid. Ok, ok...I'll back off. They are kind of cute in an I've-had-too-much-eggnog kind of way.