Can't you smell that smell?

Last night after work I went to Jewish Kroger (the smallish Kroger in Belle Meade). If you have ever shopped there, you know why I call it Jewish Kroger. I'm not being mean or discriminatory. I love that Kroger because it is small, they never rearrange things (very important), don't have to take a shuttle from the parking lot to the door, and I can get in and out quickly.

I needed fluorescent light bulbs. Not something I typically shop for at Kroger, but I didn’t want to go to Home Depot, Lowe’s Target or Walmart. My first choice was Ace Hardware, but it was after 6pm...closed. So, Jewish Kroger was the logical choice. 

I walked in, turned to the left and turned down one aisle too soon (toilet paper). A woman walked past me. I nearly gagged at the smell. “When was the last time she bathed?” And it wasn’t BO smell…it was lack of very personal hygiene smell. I did an about face and went to the next aisle. The stench was stronger, but that woman was nowhere in sight. There was no one in the light bulb aisle. Good Lord, was it me? Sniff sniff. No. Pretty sure it wasn't me. Don't breathe. I got my light bulbs and headed for the self checkout (after a quick detour to pick up a pint of ice cream).

The closer I got to the self-checkout the worse the smell got. But wait…the smell changed to floral vanilla…changed back to evil stench…floral…evil…floral…evil. Let me describe the evil smell. Three words. Dog. Anal. Gland. (If you don't know what I'm talking about, consider yourself blessed. Think about a dog doing the carpet scooch, isn't that funny? No. It's disgusting. They drag-butt because they have itchy butt. They have itchy butt because the anal gland is clogged. When the anal gland becomes unclogged pray that it doesn't happen in the house or that you're within 100 yards of the beast. One drop is lethal. A vet will "express" a dog's clogged anal gland for the best $15 you will ever spend. Sophie's vet offered to show me how to do it. All it takes is a rubber glove and knowing what to squeeze. GAG and F that! Nope. Here's $15.)

Back to my story. I was at the the self-checkout and trying not to be too obvious as I studied my fellow Kroger shoppers. Then I noticed three Kroger employees, each with a can of air freshener, each trying to hold in their laughter and each failing miserably. “Shhh he he he he he shhh…don’t laugh…he he he he SHHHHH…spray again, he he he he but don’t be so obvious, stop it!...oh my God...yes I checked the restroom…shh shh he he he he he…you know what this smells like? he he he he he…my cat’s ass!” That's when I lost it. I quickly headed for the door and the promise of fresh air, leaving the behind uproarious laughter and the sound of more spraying.